Flesh Failures.

I’m still sobbing as I write this. I’m still sobbing because I get to air my dirty little secrets to everyone. Maybe I should keep this quiet, but I have been too quiet and maybe that’s my issue.

Hello, my name is Sam. I’m addicted to food. All kinds of food, but especially the sweets and the ones that are bad for you. I used to like to exercise, but now I just want to sleep all day or stay in my house and not deal with people. I have my reasons for not dealing with people, but that’s another for another time. But the sleep thing is great. I don’t have to deal with things. I don’t have to think about my problems. I literally only wake up to think about food, because once again food has become my obsession. It is always something with me to obsess over numbers or food. Yesterday, I slept most of the day, went back to bed at 11. Got up for 4 hours, and slept again most of the day today.  When I saw the sun drooping in the sky, I said, put on your shoes and go run. Instead? I went and got a terrible meal.

This is all so freaking hard to admit to. To admit that this person people look up to for inspiration is failing, and is weak. But I want to admit to my flaws in front of everyone. It is the easiest thing to do since most people can see my flaws resting under my clothes and hanging off my stomach and hips like some sort of leech. They can see my face filling back out and they can silently judge me once again because I’m getting fatter again.

However, this time I can honestly say that I’m sick of it. I am sick of this fragile woman that I’ve become that has been wrecked with emotions and uses the food that she is addicted to cure the loneliness or the sadness that overcomes me, which is quite a lot. I want to be the strong woman I used to be before this whole thing started. I took no shit from anyone, and I was awesome. I didn’t care what people thought of me. I didn’t care what held me back. I just did it. I want to embrace that shit again and get back to where I am healthy in mind and in body. Because that’s the truth, I need to get on the healthy mindset and body will come.

At this point, I’m lost. I am admitting to everything, but I am scared tomorrow when the sun comes up I won’t have the strength to face the day. I’m seriously gasping for air here because I’m dying. I’m killing myself again and I don’t want to be a disappointment to myself, or my family, or my friends.

I need help.

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Thoughts on Birthdays

so here’s the thing about birthdays, every year i hear people complain that they hate theirs and usually i’m in that boat. however, this past year has been amazing for my transformation into this butterfly thing i’m going for. i always told my friends i want people to see my beauty outside as well as inside. this year, i’m starting to feel beautiful. sure, i have my days of self-doubt but then i realize i’ve done more this year than i have in my whole life. i’ve committed to goal that was nearly impossible when i started, and i’m almost there. i’ve fallen in love deeper than i ever would’ve thought i could’ve. when my friendships were tested, my friendships just grew even more. i’ve seen 1% more of the world than i ever would’ve thought. when knocked down on my face, i’ve stood up and tackled the problems head on. i’ve got a set of lady balls on me now. who woulda thought? with that being said, i want this next year to be amazing. i want to do all these things and more. i also want to thank everyone who has been in my life from my best friends and soulmates (you know who you are!) to my enemies (you also know who you are!). everyday you inspire me. everyday i want to be better because of you and because of me. i made my wishes for my birthday without the candles, and i hope they come true.

Gratification.

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Gratification.

Every time I look at this side-by-side, I feel unbelievable emotions. Guilt for getting as big as I was, as well as uncontrollable excitement at my future at how far I’ve come. With the two-teens looming, I feel my next bit of weight loss will be completely transforming. I feel my life is just starting… this is great. Oh, please note those are the same sweat pants that is all.

Baby Giraffe and I.

Baby Giraffe and I.

I stepped on the scale today and I was down to 220! That means my next big goal of 199 is only 21 lbs away. In the meantime, I did the math with the help of the internet and found out that a baby giraffe weighs 130 lbs, which is what I’ve lost at my heaviest. 115 lbs from my start point though, which apparently is the weight of the complete Encyclopedia Britannica. So, I leave you with a picture of a baby giraffe and me chilling and drinking, which is something we do best.

Ch-ch-changes!

Ch-ch-changes!

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128lbs down. Another 60 to go!

 

Mentally, I still feel 350. It is a constant battle between physical and mental on this journey. It has really started to sink in though when I hold up a pair of old pants, or I try on clothes daringly to see if they fit. Going from a 24/26 to a 14/16 is a HUGE jump though. Not to mention that I’ve lost an Olsen twin, and that is staggering in itself. It is also why I’m choosing to re-start a blogging spot so I can grasp the concept of this, and clear my mind of all the clutter that has been piling up for two years.

Within the past two years, I’ve fallen off the wagon. Actually most of last year was spent in denial that I wasn’t losing weight anymore and that I was regaining what I lost so easily. This year though, this year is definitely special. I’ve pushed myself so hard, and I’m so close to my second huge goal which is to be in Onederland. I have 22 pounds until I’m in Onederland. Yikes! It’s so thrilling, and so scary because I’m already getting massive amounts of attention that sometimes doesn’t feel real to me. Someone from a forum I love to visit daily said that I already look under 200 so the next bit is going to be dramatic and the difference will be unreal.

It is already unreal.

ARCHIVE: Facing Your Fears on the Scale.

September 23, 2013

 

One of my biggest fears on this journey is that I was close to 400lbs, which is a lot heavier than I had last weighed-in. I was sick around the last time the doctor said I was 350lbs, and since this journey started, I wondered if I was near the 400 part, or the 350lbs part. Still? I didn’t want to know. It was fear that had me panicking.

Finally, someone told me to go jump on a scale, and I saw an ‘E’ pop up. Instantly, I knew I just HAD to be 400. The scale couldn’t even weigh me! I was flustered, but determined not to let it affect me. Then I decided that maybe the scale didn’t weigh people of my girth so I went to Wal-Mart to find another scale. I pulled ones from the shelf that said max. weight 400lbs and everyone of them said ‘E’ on them when I took them out of the box.

Was I really over 400lbs? I panicked again, but gave myself a few days to control my thoughts. I can see improvements in my body already and this is just a week and a day in. Already, I’m not labored in breath when I walk briskly during exercise time in the morning. I can bend down to tie my shoes better, and I can sort’ve “suck” it in and see my toes! I’m on my last rung of my belt, and even can pull the belt tighter if I wanted to (or had more) holes. I bought a pair of pants, and though they were my oldtime size, they actually fit with room to spare, and I look good in them.

Today, I was curious again so I went back to Wal-Mart and instead of opening the packaging again, I went ahead and bought a 400lb scale and brought it home. Today? I weigh 325.4, and I definitely cried. Overjoyed at not being as heavy as I once thought, and actually seeing numbers on the scale. I might not know EXACTLY how heavy I was when I started the journey doesn’t matter to me. I definitely know I lost weight, and I think a lot of it!

I used to think this diet would be the death of me, and that I couldn’t do it. But I realized that it isn’t so much a diet anymore. It really is a lifestyle change. I am not taking out everything I love, but I’m just eyeballing what I do. I’m also getting active, and making better decisions that actually don’t TASTE as bad I thought they would. I’ve still been eating pretty heartily, and the calories have been low! (I’m working on the portion part! I am gonna try to measure foods soon. One step at time!)

So already, I’m so proud of myself and my motivation to keep walking when I want to sit down beside of the road because my legs feel like they are fire. I’m also beyond blessed with family especially a great mother, and friends who support me.  Thank you! I know I have so many more steps to go, but this start has been amazing.

ARCHIVE: Did the Lightbulb Just Come On?

September 15, 2013

 

Obviously, this whole time I’ve thought about how much I’m dreading the food part of this lifestyle change. Sure, the exercise part does blow, but it is tolerable when I have my teamster aka my Mammy pounding the pavement at my side. This food thing is a different story. I live on my own, and I’m on a fairly limited budget. It doesn’t help that I keep really odd hours, and just as weird work hours.  All these excuses were used in my head in the past on why I like to eat take-out, or crappy frozen dinners. It doesn’t help that I really wouldn’t know the first thing about cooking, because I’m just really a pro at eating it. Excuse after excuse, right? Well, I’ll be damned if I didn’t have the lightbulb turn on as  I was sitting on toilet today (sorry, was that tmi?).

Last night, I noticed that as I ate a late dinner that as soon as I finished a bit of chicken, I instantly felt like I could run a 5k. I had eaten a rather carb-full brunch, and wasn’t starving until I was at work and I saw someone holding a chocolate cake in their hands. I seriously wanted to snatch the cake from them, and eat it like a wild animal snacking on their latest kill. I could not wait until I got off work to go get some food, and even debated on heading to Wal-Mart to pick up a few things I knew I could get by with eating later at night instead of the snack/junk I usually would get. Instead, I checked out our low-calorie, gluten-free menu and decided I was gonna go ahead and eat at work. As I sat down with a sad-look on my face, and no energy whatsoever, I started to eat the food. Thinking that all this “healthy” food was gonna taste like dirt, I was left completely stunned. Not only did I chose something better for me than I usually would. I picked something that I really loved. It was probably the best food I had there in years, and though I finished it off, I was still feeling confident in my choice.

I know portion control is a big deal with the whole food thing too. As I’ve started to work out, I am seeing how food pairs with energy for the day. Earlier today, I had a small snack of puffed wheat and a little milk (and I mean small, it was so tiny compared to what I normally would rock out), I noticed that I had more energy from it and my constant thought of food was erased for another hour! It was a miracle. When I went out to lunch, I picked high fiber foods, and proteins. I didn’t get anything fried, or any starches. When I came home an hour later, my stomach was hurting so bad. It wasn’t that I had eaten too much (which, I think I kind’ve did or filled up on lots of water!), it was because the fat from the food I had just ate was being flushed from my body. I know you wanted to know about my bathroom behavior, right?

Did you have any light-bulbs that have come on while you’ve been on your lifestyle changes? If so, share!