I’m still sobbing as I write this. I’m still sobbing because I get to air my dirty little secrets to everyone. Maybe I should keep this quiet, but I have been too quiet and maybe that’s my issue.
Hello, my name is Sam. I’m addicted to food. All kinds of food, but especially the sweets and the ones that are bad for you. I used to like to exercise, but now I just want to sleep all day or stay in my house and not deal with people. I have my reasons for not dealing with people, but that’s another for another time. But the sleep thing is great. I don’t have to deal with things. I don’t have to think about my problems. I literally only wake up to think about food, because once again food has become my obsession. It is always something with me to obsess over numbers or food. Yesterday, I slept most of the day, went back to bed at 11. Got up for 4 hours, and slept again most of the day today. When I saw the sun drooping in the sky, I said, put on your shoes and go run. Instead? I went and got a terrible meal.
This is all so freaking hard to admit to. To admit that this person people look up to for inspiration is failing, and is weak. But I want to admit to my flaws in front of everyone. It is the easiest thing to do since most people can see my flaws resting under my clothes and hanging off my stomach and hips like some sort of leech. They can see my face filling back out and they can silently judge me once again because I’m getting fatter again.
However, this time I can honestly say that I’m sick of it. I am sick of this fragile woman that I’ve become that has been wrecked with emotions and uses the food that she is addicted to cure the loneliness or the sadness that overcomes me, which is quite a lot. I want to be the strong woman I used to be before this whole thing started. I took no shit from anyone, and I was awesome. I didn’t care what people thought of me. I didn’t care what held me back. I just did it. I want to embrace that shit again and get back to where I am healthy in mind and in body. Because that’s the truth, I need to get on the healthy mindset and body will come.
At this point, I’m lost. I am admitting to everything, but I am scared tomorrow when the sun comes up I won’t have the strength to face the day. I’m seriously gasping for air here because I’m dying. I’m killing myself again and I don’t want to be a disappointment to myself, or my family, or my friends.
I need help.